Melissa Allen
Copyright 2007 Red Pulp Underground
Red Pulp Underground
GOD, WHERE ART THOU?

Short Story

I sometimes imagine myself talking to Jesus. However, he doesn’t look like the iconic image that has been ingrained in our minds with hands out stretched in a
white flowing gown and long hair, but instead is wearing a leather jacket, white t-shirt, jeans and holding half a shot glass of tequila. As he goes to speak, I see
puffs of smoke rise through the air like clouds from his newly lit cigarette, which is as close as I get to the heavenly image I was raised on. He is tattered, worn
and tired. With dark embedded circles under each eye, he looks like Benecio Del Toro with mild gray streaks going through his black hair and the look of
disdain across his face. Let’s be honest, at this point Jesus has seen that, been there, and looks weary for it all. Blasphemy you say? Well what would you look
like after seeing slavery, the holocaust, numerous wars, sacrifices, murders, the atom bomb, starvation, murderers and the endless visual imagery of carnage
that goes on and on, not to mention being hung on a cross to die then resurrected? Certainly not the Jesus of times gone by. He would be a Jesus that time
has weathered and beaten, a Jesus for this time, from all time.
And although it hurts and weakens my being, I tell him that I no longer believe in God and with just the slightest smirk he doesn’t act surprised.
The reason for my recent religious change in mind is my own and will stay that way. I will only state that after being raised as a Catholic and going to private
school with all the nuns, priests and Catholicism, that I am now at an impasse. I am angry. How can God see the importance of turning water into wine, but do
nothing when it comes to violence, murder, suffering, torture, greed, which is just to name a few? “Oh, but those are the doings of man,” you might say just as I
have. Or perhaps you will blame it on the Devil. And when we pray and good things happen, we thank the Lord. But why do we not want or expect better when
bad things happen? I know I do. For instance, I work hard every day as many people the world over do. If we saw a man about to be assaulted or killed or a
child beaten, would we not expect that someone, somewhere who was witness to this would do something? Of course we would. And don’t  say that is what we
have police for, I am inferring to the average person on the street who is there at that moment and will or will not help. Then I ask of God, why does he/she not
do something to make the world a better place? Or is God doing the best he can and things could be worse?
If you read the Bible and either take it literally or figuratively, you come away with the perception that God sees all and knows all like Karmac, the character
that Johnny Carson use to play on the Tonight Show. Then I wonder just how long can God hold a grudge, and from being punished forever more due to Eve
plucking that stupid apple, it seems that God can hold a grudge pretty damn long. Why does he not come to us now and give us some advice? In the Bible, he
use to appear quite frequently. I ask this not to sound like those Bible thumpers on television belting out gospels in order to collect green on the dotted line,
but because it seems like the world is heading down a daily path of destruction with no end in site. For instance look at Israel and Palestine. They have been
fighting now for what seems to be forever. What are they fighting over? Holy land they say. Oh yes it is more than that as there are economic, socioeconomic
and political reasons intertwined in the mess of it all. I can only ask them, “If you truly, truly believe in God then do you think that God looks down upon you
with pride in his eyes as he sees the death and hatred that has ensued?” How can he? Would it not be better to say, “You take the Holy land, no you take it
my brother, I insist.”
How does one truly know that they are The Chosen Ones?
Isn’t that a rather pompous attitude to take? It is humorously akin to the game of Monopoly as your religion is a roll of the dice depending on what family of
beliefs you are born into. Once that dice has been rolled you can either bank on being the chosen ones and can go directly to heaven or straight to hell which
in Monopoly would be jail. What about everyone else? As a Catholic I never believed that only Catholics would go to heaven. And just look at Catholicism or
maybe please don’t. In going to Blockbuster the other day, they had a DVD out about evil which deals with the molestations that have been done to many
people by priests. It seems that if you go into that little wooden box and pull the curtain and spew your sins to the priest that all is forgiven so that upon exiting
you can rein havoc on the world once again. That would be your get out of jail free card in Monopoly. So it is flawed, as we all are.
I haven’t given up completely. One true thing that I believe is that I know the difference between right and wrong and I do not need the promise of everlasting
salvation to make me be humane. My moral compass is so engrained in me that if I have done something wrong, I will admit it and not in order to gain eternal
life, but because that is who I am. I believe that there are many people who think that way and are intrinsically good, not perfect, but good. So there is always
hope and that brings the peace of mind that I need. It does not solve the world’s problems but gives it a ray of sun  to look upon when the going gets tough as
it always does. And I must admit that churches will always give me peace as I kneel quietly amidst others devote or not, but at least enjoying the church and its
serene ambiance through stained glass windows.
Before Jesus leaves the table, he pays for his drink and without uttering a word he leaves. And as he does, I worry for him as he has so much on his
shoulders. It is too cliché to say the world. As I plan to look into Buddhism, I cannot help but wish him the best and hope that God, his father, will watch over
him and us all should he be near.

November 2007